The Shisya that taught the Guru

The start of a new year can bring with it a surmountable amount of anxiety, doubt, uncertainty and deep fear for a lot of people. While some may bask in a confident outlook on what they anticipate will unfold over the next 365 days, for those of you who may be riddled with an uneasiness, you're not alone. I hope this makes the feeling a little lighter.

I believe times are very different now and the world just seems to be more and more harsh as time moves forward. But how did we arrive to this point as a greater collective? It's very easy to sit and blame world leaders, political rulers, technology, war, poverty, global warming, the wealthy and the list goes on. But do we reflect on our own emotional intelligence? It can be very easy to be a part of this harsh collective frame of mind. But should we be this negligent towards our own emotional individuality? I'll tell you a story.

At the end of 2022, one of my senior students, Satya, came to me after class to ask if she could begin her training in order to perform her Arangetram. 'Arangetram' literally means ascending the stage. In Bharatanatyam, an Arangetram symbolizes a dancer's first full-length solo performance that is considered a milestone. I couldn't have been more proud of her in that moment. After we had a very long heart to heart on how we would plan out her training for the year 2023, an enormous amount of fear seeped into every cell of my body.

When I began my study at Kalakshetra in India, I knew and trusted no one. The only energy that inspired my desire for being there was Smt Rukmini Devi, the founder. She had passed away in 1986 but in 2010 there I was, daily, writing letters to her. She knew every pain, injury, disappointment, mistake, struggle, woe, dream, goal, rant, every single thing. I could remember the exact letter I wrote to her near the Padma Pushkarni, a beautiful lotus pond, at Kalakshetra. In that letter I babbled about how excited I was to one day be able to guide all my students to having their own Arangetrams in Trinidad. It's exactly 10 years since I poured my heart out to Attai, that my student Satya, will be having her Arangetram. Mere words on a paper were now manifesting itself and all I could feel was fear of failure.

Was I good enough to be teaching her? Am I really worthy of being called a Guru? Would she be sad that I couldn't afford live musicians for her recital? Would people show up to support her? I aggressively tried to calm down my overthinking and paused. I reflected on Satya. She was an intelligent, beautiful, pure and a dedicated student. She had no expectations but simply faith that I would help her go beyond herself and be the best version of herself. She offered me something very intangible in return. She had trust. She trusted me 100%, without judgment and with unconditional love. I'll tell you why this is so important and why this should be important for you too.

Despite beautiful things unfolding before us, the people we keep close to us sometimes push us into an abyss of darkness and fear. One such type of people are called narcissists. Narcissism is by far the scariest thing I think anyone can encounter. Narcissistic people, in their realm, sit atop pedestals and often utilize manipulation, gaslighting, and abuse to control and diminish the confidence of others. I'm 100% sure you've had someone like this in your life at some point. Whether it is a parent, a teacher, a boss, a coworker, a friend, a spouse or as in my case a partner, it is extremely toxic. My ex hid behind the facade or religion and spirituality, two things that meant the most to me. He was a pathological liar and cheater and what he portrayed himself to be on the outside, on social media and to others were the complete opposite to what he was behind closed doors. I do accept my mistakes in not identifying the red flags but I did in fact learn a lot of life lessons that I wish came to me in a less traumatic way.

As we herald in a new year, I hope with all my heart that you trust yourself, your intuition, your personal relationship with God and be very mindful of the effects of narcissistic people. They can be profound, especially when their behaviour starts taking a toll on your self-esteem and personal development. Learn to identify these traits and be aware and knowledgeable of them. Do not engage them but try to cultivate your own self compassion and self love. Always surround yourself with people that love you and who are supportive and transparent. People you can trust completely. People who love you behind closed doors and for the world, secondly. People who value your existence, your essence, your beauty, your individuality and is never ever unkind or judgmental to you or anything that matters to you.

For a moment when all those fears crept in and nestled themselves into my space I could see how at one point in time, I would have naturally succumbed to each and every doubt. But that was when I let my guard down and embraced another person's weakness. For as long as I have been a teacher, my students wholeheartedly trust and continue to trust me. I just needed to trust myself for all else to be as beautiful as that. After letting go of that relationship, life evolved in ways that was unimaginable to me and every day I get to be the best version of myself for me and my students.

Whatever has to unfold, would. Beautiful moments await your focus and that energy will work for you. There's just one small thing you have to do first. Build trust. Trust yourself, trust what you bring to the table, trust that you are wholesome, trust your faith and walk away from toxicity in all forms. The world is ultimately a very cold and scary place. We live on a big abundant planet unfortunately the majority of humans here lack kindness, love and genuine spirituality.

Be gentle this year, to yourself and to those worthy of being close to you. I hope you recognize who those people are. Don't be a part of a collective energy that is fueled by ego, anger, hate and seeks attention. Everyone deserves to be happy but never at the expense of others. Nurture the next twelve months planting all your dreams and aspirations into the womb of Goddess Earth so that you may blossom embracing all that fills your heart and makes you content and effortlessly happy.

Love ya unconditionally,

Alana