I consider myself an ardent disciple of God and find great joy in being traditional and embracing my culture. I don't commit to temples, fellowship entities, movements, or anything of that sort. I respect everything from a distance to avoid the chaos as my faith and spirituality were something I kept very private. I do my pooja (prayer) daily and every experience, every day, every moment, I keep God in the loop. We’re ride or die! He is my bestie and this relationship is my only real motivation. He gives me the power and strength to be a woman of substance. I feel safe with this connection and always feel balanced enough to enjoy being unconventional and explore the world as it presents itself.
After I finished high school the only career path that made sense to me was becoming a dancer. I was the only one in my family in four generations to have a passion so closely connected to my paternal ancestors. Bharatanatyam is one of the eight forms of Indian Classical Dance that belong to the state of Tamil Nadu, now called Chennai. My paternal ancestors were from this state. I wanted to bridge the gap between India and my country. This was now my intention. More importantly, being a light for all those little children and adults who had starry eyes for discipline, tradition, and the opportunity to learn an art form that wasn't accessible in my country was what I had set out to achieve.
I applied for a scholarship with the Indian High Commission in my country at just nineteen and by God’s grace and destiny, I got accepted to study at the Rukmini Devi College of Fine Arts in Chennai, India. God had his boot camp set out for me though as he patiently waited with popcorn for me to enter this four-year obstacle course.
With my family’s blessing, I set out alone to a land unknown with big dreams in this very tiny body of mine. A delegate from the Commission at that time had received me in Hyderabad, India and set me up at a hotel for the night. I was home sick beyond measure, terrified, anxious but so so grateful. Here I was, the first in my four generations to return to my motherland. I couldn’t be happier. I decompressed, suffered horrible jet lag and got ready the next morning to go with this delegate to Chennai where Kalakshetra was situated.
It was my first train ride. It was amazing. Adrenaline was rushing and my inner child was in all her glee as all the peppy Bollywood songs I knew that were shot on trains played back in my mind. This was the next level; to absorb all I was gaining from this magical land of my forefathers.
The next day we arrived in Chennai. I was soaking it all in. This was the city of my paternal ancestors. What a blessing and the first place I was taken to was a Hanuman temple. God was laying it out like a boss. He was dealing the cards. I was loving every moment and if I could hug him hard I would have. I sang his praises so loudly, off the pitch of course, but he got the point. I loved my God and he was making my dreams come true.
The delegate seemed agitated but I was too busy being on cloud nine to take notice the first time but eventually I did and asked if he was okay. He told me there was an emergency at his home and he needed to leave immediately to head back to Hyderabad. I was very concerned for him and understood the situation. He said he had some very close friends that would allow me to stay with them for a few nights until he returned to admit me to the school. We were now off to meet the family. The family was a beautiful Brahmin couple. The wife, Amma as I would fondly call her, was a slender, petite, sophisticated woman. She was as beautiful as a goddess. Her grace, cheerfulness and devotion made it evident that she was also a classical dancer who embodied true grace and poise. Amma’s husband, a material scientist, was a true gentleman. His gait, eloquence and intelligence shone through his hearty smile and his humility could not be matched. They were beautiful human beings and I felt grateful to be in their very loving home. They were so extremely genuine in everything they did, especially their hospitality toward me. They were like god sent parents and I immediately felt comfortable and safe. As soon as I was introduced and settled in, the delegate left.
It had been a week since the delegate had left. Panic slowly crept but I sought refuge in my prayer. All forms of communication went unanswered. I was in complete shock and my mind instantaneously shot into panic mode. I was left in the home of strangers, in a strange place by a stranger and I was alone. I could not tell my mother anything as it already took a lot for her to be able to send her youngest female child alone across the globe to fulfill my heart's desire of becoming a dancer. I could not share this with anyone because I myself had no answers.
As we all held on to each phone call that came in, eventually the delegate called Amma and without an ounce of pity told her to please put me back on a plane as the scholarship was given to someone else. He cut the call in the most impolite manner and both Amma and I sat in complete shock. I began crying of course but she got into full divine mother mode and reassured me that they will take care of me, take me to the dance institute and help me get that dream. She admired my love for my religion and she reminded me at that moment that my God would never forsake me. He did not, not in that moment, not in that week, month, year.
Amma and Uncle comforted my mum and assured her they would keep me safe and settle things in India with my acceptance. The same week we visited the institute and I was the biggest shock as they had no documentation of my application or anything. I was fooled by my own country and felt so very ashamed. Amma pleaded with them to assess me and begged them to let me go through the admission examinations to at least have a chance. In the middle of all that, I did the exam, was assessed and granted entry into my dream college. With joy, Amma collected my documentation and helped me get back home to return for the new term with a new valid four-year student visa.
I now had to figure out how I could afford this as a scholarship no longer existed. My aunt in New York, who was like my second mother, agreed to fund my study there and she did just that. She sacrificed everything from her entry-level job at that time to let me fulfill my dream. Not only was God taking me through this journey but he had an army around me to make every step possible.
For as long as I could remember, I had been deeply influenced by Rukmini Devi Arundale, the founder of Kalakshetra. She lived for eighty-one years and each year contributed to the next catapulting her emergence into leaving behind a legacy rooted in her vision of art without vulgarity, beauty without cruelty and education without fear. Her existence was a divine contribution to life on Earth. No words are enough to explain her magnanimity. She was an exemplary human being and a powerful woman who challenged society and broke the glass ceiling to make Bharatanatyam structured and accessible to generations upon generations. I wanted to be just like her for my country. Athai (paternal aunt), as she is so fondly called by everyone even today, was my inspiration. I wrote letters to her during my entire time there. As if she were my guardian angel, she knew everything about my dreams, aspirations and goals. I could feel her sitting next to me as I offloaded all that my heart took on during those grueling four years.
Kalakshetra was no bed of roses. Even though I learned for ten years in my country, my form was pathetic and whatever little I knew was an embarrassment to the form. I worked so hard to fight back. It was like the military for dance. My knees were bloodshot, my ligaments were torn, and I cried every day for a year but I had a raging fire within me to emerge successful. I had amazing teachers who molded me into a very fine dancer and for them, I am eternally grateful. I was blessed to get into classes of teachers who looked past discrimination, favoritism and identity. Despite my obsessive hard work to perfect my form, I was marked the lowest for all four years. My fundamental posture was ridiculed, I wasn’t from a particular state which made up the majority of students and I certainly didn't butter any teachers to gain those merits. I was there to learn and perfect my form and I absorbed everything silently and let not one second escape me in that process. I held on firmly to my purpose and faith and by God's grace I passed with a first-class diploma. Our final examination had no room for biases as the two-hour-long performance was judged majorly by external examiners. It was magical as the stage did not lie. I felt sad I had no family to share the moment with as it was too expensive for them to travel all the way to India but I danced to perfection for God and gained one of the highest marks among all batches. Amma made it in the nick of time and I visited their home after the performance. We spent the evening together. We could all feel the divine blessing of that moment of my dream being realized and I was truly indebted and grateful to have had their support and love. I did it and I did it with His strength flowing through every cell of my body.
Today I am sharing this story as we celebrate a very auspicious day in the Hindu Calender called Guru Purnima. Guru Purnima is celebrated by expressing gratitude to a person or persons who guide us with their light and intellect to rise above this present dimension. I would not have been where I am had I not been blessed with beacons of light throughout my life. We often are negligible of the people and experiences around us that are placed there to help us find our voice, find our purpose and help us elevate in life. If you have ever had a very comfortable experience trying to achieve something you wholeheartedly believe in and want, we definitely have to meet! But in my experience when I found myself in the middle of challenges, questions arose in my mind. Did I slip with my faith? Have I lost sight of how strong I can be? Did I hurt God? I was a superhuman to have survived in India, have I lost sight of my purpose? Is dance really my purpose? I would shut my eyes and fall into the portal of doubt. But please understand this, those are just thoughts. Nothing more, nothing less.
I am sure you too have been in a predicament similar to this. We are beyond capable of every uncomfortable situation and experience. But I want you to know your gurus, guides, mentors, and teachers, and this God-given life is meant to see you as a lotus forever emerging out of muddy waters toward the light above. You also have to be very aware of those who claim to be gurus but are not genuine in recognizing your light and nurturing its emergence. We will always be judged or admired but that is the job of the onlooker. It has nothing to do with you. So I hope with this you always remain blissfully unaware of the external noise but immersed in the pure energy that is internal and is always your guide.
Love ya unconditionally,
Alana
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